Free Write

Wishes

I wish you wouldn't say things like that to me, because I know that they're probably true.


"She was like, 'You are such a weird child. I don't think you're mine.'"


I know you meant it as a joke, but I know how she treats you. I know all of it. I wish that she loved you like my mother loves me. Sure, it's a bit stifling, but at least I know that there are arms holding me up when I fall and when I am so lonely I want to break. You don't have that and it shows and I know it. I don't know what to do for you.

I wish I didn't think about you last night. All night. From the second I got home, talking to my parents, taking my trance nap, trance-dreaming about you, and then waking up and trying to do homework and thinking about you some more and then falling asleep and dreaming about you and then eating breakfast the next day, your face the only clear thing in my dream deprived haze. I wish I didn't think about you at all. Because it hurts me so much more than you will ever know, but it wouldn't be fair of me to make this your problem.


I'm sorry. I've said too much.


I wish that things were different for us. I wish we weren't so far away from each other. I wish that I could be the friend you want me to be and that we will never grow apart. But I have a feeling we might. I would rather die than branch off from you. I hope you know that. You are the last thing back home that I actually care about.


I wish I loved you more. I wish that I could go back to you and be a little kid again. Hike through your canyons and stay out on your suburban streets later than a child should. But I can't. Home is only home because of the people in it. I'm not too fond of the people right now. They push and pull and push and pull and think money always matters to me when it rarely ever matters to me at all. I don't want to come back to you because I don't want to deal with their drama, and their heartache, and the way they've internalized things that they really shouldn't; the way they don't know how to live without something negative in their lives. I don't want that, so I don't want you.


I wish you were the only thing that I loved. I wish that I wanted to be good at you and I wish that I could make a living in your art form. But I can't. That's too unstable for me and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not ruthless. I don't want to be so good at what you are that I can't sleep at night for thoughts of pas de chat and frappes. For quadruple pirouettes and ron de jambe en l'air. I can't do that. I want to have a life too, not just you.